Ive been working on this post for several years now, debating back and forth on weather or not I should post it. It's not perfect, you'll probably find grammatical errors, but it's honest. I wrote this more in spurts than in one cohesive session of thought but the over all topic is my depression. My debate with myself on whether or not to post this stems from the lack of understanding as to why I want to post this. Maybe it's for understanding of myself or as an explanation to others. Maybe it's both. Either way it's written and posted so take from it what you will and if you should judge me, and I know that many will cause I even judged myself, please do so gently. That is all I ask.
You know we all have those days when we wake up and feel that everything is right in our world. The sun is up, work is easy and fruitful, our loved ones are happy and life is just smiling at you.
Then there are those days when we wake up and nothing feels right and nothing goes right and for some reason we seem to dwell on the negative and we just can't push past it. Those are the days when we wanna sink into our holes to just forget and be forgotten.
I find myself wondering why I'm so concerned with what certain people think about me. The majority of the world can go fuck themselves as far as I care, but these specific people's opinions matter greatly to me, to the point of causing me great anxiety and stress, and I just can't figure out why.
Im lucky that my job lets me travel. I usually drive cause I'm hauling equipment such as sound systems and drum sets to new restaurants in which my dad books the music at.
I usually drive alone, which causes me to be lost in thought for days at a time.
People tend to think that I'm pretty happy individual and most the time I guess I am. Im realizing that I don't really feel happy much nor do I feel sad or really any emotion, Im just kind of there. Hiding behind my smile has just become second nature and have yet to find a purpose to step out from behind it. I have a therapist, I got a personal trainer, I eat healthy, I get to do what I love as my job, I have friends who love me and girls who are interested in me. My life doesn't suck! So why do I feel... or should I say don't feel anything.
I never understood why someone would cut themselves. Slicing open ones own skin to have "control over something" always seem so repugnant to me and in the end it just never solved anything. They still had there problems. But by the time I had sunk that low in my head to resort to the blade I was desperate to feel anything. And I truly mean anything. The pain that I caused myself was so welcoming, to know that I could still feel was relieving to say the least. But it was fleeting. By the 9th or 10th time the euphoric feeling had worn off and my scars were just another failed attempted at "control".
I have found solace in video games, books, tv shows, and movies. Anything to distract me from the boring story of life. I've found the high of all the good things I've done wears off quicker now days. Like a junky I return to the life hoping for a different out come this time, that the high will continue longer but it never does. In fact the high gets shorter. I write and write, sing, play and yet nothing seems to work. Happy is just not my default I guess.
You know we all have those days when we wake up and feel that everything is right in our world. The sun is up, work is easy and fruitful, our loved ones are happy and life is just smiling at you.
Then there are those days when we wake up and nothing feels right and nothing goes right and for some reason we seem to dwell on the negative and we just can't push past it. Those are the days when we wanna sink into our holes to just forget and be forgotten.
I find myself wondering why I'm so concerned with what certain people think about me. The majority of the world can go fuck themselves as far as I care, but these specific people's opinions matter greatly to me, to the point of causing me great anxiety and stress, and I just can't figure out why.
Im lucky that my job lets me travel. I usually drive cause I'm hauling equipment such as sound systems and drum sets to new restaurants in which my dad books the music at.
I usually drive alone, which causes me to be lost in thought for days at a time.
People tend to think that I'm pretty happy individual and most the time I guess I am. Im realizing that I don't really feel happy much nor do I feel sad or really any emotion, Im just kind of there. Hiding behind my smile has just become second nature and have yet to find a purpose to step out from behind it. I have a therapist, I got a personal trainer, I eat healthy, I get to do what I love as my job, I have friends who love me and girls who are interested in me. My life doesn't suck! So why do I feel... or should I say don't feel anything.
I never understood why someone would cut themselves. Slicing open ones own skin to have "control over something" always seem so repugnant to me and in the end it just never solved anything. They still had there problems. But by the time I had sunk that low in my head to resort to the blade I was desperate to feel anything. And I truly mean anything. The pain that I caused myself was so welcoming, to know that I could still feel was relieving to say the least. But it was fleeting. By the 9th or 10th time the euphoric feeling had worn off and my scars were just another failed attempted at "control".
I have found solace in video games, books, tv shows, and movies. Anything to distract me from the boring story of life. I've found the high of all the good things I've done wears off quicker now days. Like a junky I return to the life hoping for a different out come this time, that the high will continue longer but it never does. In fact the high gets shorter. I write and write, sing, play and yet nothing seems to work. Happy is just not my default I guess.
Each paragraph in this post was written at different times throughout the last 6 years. It is August 31st 2020 as I begin this one and I still don't have many answer. Im still asking the same questions but many things have changed. New friends, new music, new places to live, new reasons to live, new relationships. I still have many of the same old habits but I have new ones too, some good, some bad. I'm happier now. At least I think I am, still not sure how this whole happy thing works. As long as those around me are smiling and happy then I'll get by. I think it's time to post this though I'll probably start another one soon after. Wonder what I'll write about?