It’s odd being aware of your depression. Like an out of body experience you didn’t ask for. Watching and listening to your brain try and tell you it’s all gonna be ok but being drowned out by the anxiety has suddenly come to take up residence in your heart.
My heart. Now that’s a whole other subject. The loneliness and doubt in me are breaking it apart slowly. Im trying to glue it together even though I’m running out of glue and hope. Anxiety has become the landlord, they’re raising the rent and refusing to fix any problems. Maybe all it needs is an “I love you” there or a “You’re wanted” here. I don't know. You would think I’d know what heart needs. I thought I did but the doubt…the doubt is rising and consuming what confidence and hope I had stored there.
At least my brain is trying to help. At least I think it is. Some nights it runs wild with theories and insecurities. Those night mess up my stomach making me feel sick. It can last for days. Some times weeks. Until it becomes the new normal.